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Products funded by Juicero’s VCs

April 21st, 2017

I’ve created a list of revolutionary products funded by the Venture Capitalists who funded Juicero, a wifi-enabled juicing machine that sells for $400 and whose juice packets can be squeezed by hand. Without further ado, here’s the portfolio of truly innovative and groundbreaking companies funded by Juicero’s Venture Capitalists.

$100 Wifi-enabled diapers

These bad boys will beep loudly and uncontrollably when your “little one” takes a dump in them. They’re basically methane gas detectors hooked up to a fire alarm on your baby’s butt.

$250 Blockchain powered pasta strainer

This one is self explanatory. For those of you who aren’t caught up with the newest tech, a pasta strainer is a device that looks like a large bowl (a bowl is like a cup, but bigger), and it has a number of holes on the bottom to drain water.

$475 Bluetooth sandals

These incredible Bluetooth sandals will pair with you phone in order to track your steps and massage your feet. Plus, it will give you a small, very safe, and only slightly painful electric shock if you walk off the path that your phone’s map app tells you to walk. You haven’t really lived if you haven’t tried Bluetooth sandals.

$500 IoT silverware

What’s that? You’ve already got a fork? No, you’ve got a dumb fork. This is a smart fork. It can do smart things, like send you a push notification when you eat one too many Ben & Jerry’s. Just make sure you don’t try to use any of this silverware on soup; they are NOT waterproof. Seriously, that’s a fire hazard.

$1299 Voice-activated microwave

Let’s say you’re trying to microwave some popcorn, but you’ve got your iPad in one hand and your other iPad in the other hand. With a normal microwave, you’d need to put down one of the iPads before microwaving your popcorn. But not with this incredible device! Seriously, this microwave changed my life.

$8000 Robot that shampoos you

I know, $8000 is a lot of money. But think about it this way — the average adult spends 2 minutes every day shampooing their hair. If you make $130,000/year, like the average new grad in Silicon Valley, then your time is worth $62.50/hour. So that 2 minutes then is worth just over $2, meaning this robot will save you $760 every year! That means it will pay for itself in only 11 years. One word: wow.

$125 Solar powered toothbrush

This is a deal and a half. A toothbrush that you don’t need to plug in anymore? Count me in! The only downside is that you need to leave your toothbrush outside for 12 hours every day to charge.

$400 Rainbow LED can opener

Your boring old can opener is boring and old. Try something new, like a Rainbow LED can opener! It cycles through the rainbow as you circle the can, meaning you’ll never again wonder how close you are to being done opening a can.

$999 AI trash can

To be honest, I don’t actually know what this one does.

$650 Soylent mixing machine

Are you tired of mixing your powdered Soylent in a blender? Try this $650 Soylent mixing machine. My personal favorite feature is that it refuses to mix anything except for Soylent in order to protect you from accidentally mixing anything that’s not Soylent.

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